


broken hearts and twisted minds

by imposterhuman



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Arc Reactor Issues, Bring tissues, Character Death, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, In fact I make It Worse, Not Steve Friendly, Siberia Scene in Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Team Iron Man, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, Tony still has arc reactor, bucky neutral, not a fix it, this has to be the saddest thing ive ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-19 14:57:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18137246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imposterhuman/pseuds/imposterhuman
Summary: “Did you know?”“I didn’t know it was him,” Steve tried, but Tony was done with all of the lies.“Don’t bullshit me, Rogers,” he growled. His voice was raw, heart aching. He didn’t want to hear the answer, but he had to. “Did you know?”Steve Rogers, epitome of human perfection, the man Tony had idolized and despised in equal turns his whole life, nodded sharply. “Yes.”or, siberia if tony still had the arc reactor--as always, this is unapologetically team iron man!! dont like, dont read!! comments are moderated





	1. whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar

**Author's Note:**

> full disclosure i didnt rewatch the siberia scene so the fight is the piecemeal i remember
> 
> that being said, enjoy this angstfest!

_ “Sergeant Barnes? Please… help my wife…” _

 

_ “Howard?” _

 

The silence in the bunker following the video was so absolute, so perfect, that Tony almost didn’t break it. He did, though, meeting Steve’s clear eyes with his own ( _ Maria’s eyes, the only thing he had left of her after the accident _ ).

 

“Did you know?”

 

“I didn’t know it was him,” Steve tried, but Tony was  _ done  _ with all of the lies.

 

“Don’t bullshit me, Rogers,” he growled. His voice was raw, heart aching. He didn’t want to hear the answer, but he had to. “ _ Did you know _ ?”

 

Steve Rogers, epitome of human perfection, the man Tony had idolized and despised in equal turns his whole life, nodded sharply. “Yes.”

 

Tony saw red. Ste-  _ Rogers  _ was still talking, trying to justify or explain or some other  _ bullshit _ , but all Tony could see was Barnes’s hand on his mother’s throat. All he could feel was betrayal, cutting deep into his bones, carving its scars like Obie’s did so many years ago. He was choking on hate, on anger and  _ fear _ , the little boy in him wanting to scream and cry and hide in the closet away from the world. 

 

He wanted Rogers to  _ hurt  _ for his lies (the voice of reason in his head- Jarvis’s voice- told him that it wouldn’t help, but he ignored logic. Logic was nothing in the face of so much pain).

 

He fired his repulsors almost blindly, just present enough to avoid using his harder artillery. He was only aiming at Rogers, but Barnes had to jump in and make everything more of a disaster. 

 

_ Maybe the problem with superheroes, _ an idle part of Tony mused while he blocked hit after hit from the two,  _ is that we solve everything with violence.  _

 

A swipe from St- Rogers’s shield, edge glinting lethally, was what clued Tony in that they weren’t playing the same game. Tony was lashing out, fighting because he was hurting and he wanted them to hurt. S- Rogers was fighting to kill.

 

The realization had him stumbling, shocked that his  _ friend _ could do this (though he shouldn’t have been, not after everything), and Barnes pinned him against the wall, metal fingers trying to gouge the arc reactor from his chest. 

 

“No!” he screamed from inside the suit.

 

The panic sent him spiraling. FRIDAY turned on the unibeam without his prompting, keeping his heart safe. Tony could feel the muscle thumping against the casing in his chest as he struggled to ward off the panic attack, memories of another person ripping his heart from his body hitting as hard as the two Super Soldiers. 

 

Still, Tony didn’t fight in earnest. He stuck to low powered repulsors, hoping against hope that Rogers would stop, would hold him and let him cry. Tony would have stopped, if he could, but he was playing solely defense. If he put his hands down, he would die. Tony wasn’t ready to die, not yet, so he kept his hands up and firing. 

 

There was rage in Rogers’s eyes, pure and simple. He raised the shield again. Tony shot a repulsor, knocking Barnes out for the count. He tried not to take vicious satisfaction in it, but he could help the curl of it in his gut, the idea that maybe his mother’s killer wouldn’t be getting off scot-free from this. He turned to Rogers, gritting his teeth against the pain of a serum-enhanced swing. The Iron Man suit was powerful, though, and easily knocked him down.

 

“Last warning, Rogers,” Tony said. The voice modifier kept his voice even; Tony didn’t trust his masks, not then. “Stay down.”

 

_ Please _ , he thought but didn’t say,  _ please don’t make this worse. _

 

“I can do this all day,” Rogers spat, standing back up. 

 

Tony choked back a sob. Still, he raised his palm repulsors. On his HUD, FRIDAY flashed his available ammunition; enough to take out two Super Soldiers, to level the bunker, to destroy himself and everyone else in one fell swoop. She showed him the charge on his lasers, the loaded shoulder guns, but he waved them away and stayed with low powered blasts. The repulsors were a warning; if Ste-Rogers remembered training with Tony in the suit, he’d have known that. 

 

(Anyone who had ever seen the Iron Man suit in action couldn’t deny that it was a masterpiece of death. While Rogers was strong, Tony had stood up to Thor’s lightning and the Hulk. It was hundreds of pounds of metal backed by a genius capable of terrible things. Rogers- with Barnes or not- was no match for the suit and the man in it. So, yeah, Tony was firing warning shots. Anything more and the soldiers wouldn’t be leaving the bunker.)

 

Rogers wasn’t fighting like he was giving a warning. His shield was beautiful in the way of deadly things, the red of blood flashing with the blue and white of Siberian ice. Tony hit the shield away and sent Rogers to the ground, turning his attention on Barnes again, who had come to Rogers’s defense.

 

“Do you even remember her?” he whispered. His voice was breaking, his  _ heart  _ was breaking.

 

“I remember all of them,” Barnes said, and Tony scoffed, because there was  _ no fucking way _ . He would have responded, but Barnes went for his reactor again and Tony had to put all of his efforts into defending his heart. Rogers was up again, too, and the two were taking turns beating him with the shield. Tony wished he was the monster they said he was, so he could bomb the bunker and leave them burning. He couldn’t; Rogers was still his friend, his teammate, he  _ couldn’t _ .

 

He could, though, try to disable them (he had forgotten, then that the Iron Man suit wasn’t a tool of mercy. Iron Man won with fire and bloodshed, not handcuffs. Disabling wasn’t in his arsenal). Another repulsor shot had Barnes flying across the room. The rage in Rogers’s eyes boiled over and he swung harder and harder.

 

“I’m sorry, Tony,” Rogers said, like he actually meant it somewhere in his delusional skull. “But he’s my friend.”

 

Tony was just so  _ tired _ . His hands faltered, and he ignored FRIDAY’s frantic prompting. He just wanted to rest.

 

“ _ So was I _ .”

 

He let Rogers get him on his back. Even though his hands were up, he didn’t shoot. He had repulsors  _ aimed at Rogers’s head  _ and he didn’t shoot. Tony could have fought from his back,  _ had  _ fought in worse positions, but…

 

Tony was done.

 

_ I’m sorry,  _ he thought, remembering Pepper and Rhodey, waiting for him in a hospital that he’d never reach, both broken because of him.  _ I’m so sorry. _

 

Rogers punched him, a solid hit that knocked the mask off. Tony still didn’t fight back. Rogers raised the shield over his head, his  _ father’s  _ shield, and brought it down, down,  _ down _ .

 

Rogers didn’t go for the head ( _ was it because he saw Howard’s face in Tony’s own? _ ).

 

He went for the  _ heart. _

 

The vibranium went into the tempered glass like a hot knife through butter. The reassuring blue light that had been his constant since a cave in Afghanistan spluttered out. He knew it was in his head, but Tony would have sworn he felt the shrapnel move and his heart stutter.

 

Rogers wrenched the shield out of his damaged chest with a horrible scraping noise. He stumbled off of Tony to Barnes, to his more  _ important  _ friend. Tony focused on not choking on his own blood. It was a losing battle, like most things in his life. 

 

If Tony were a worse man, he’d have regretted not using the lasers while he could. Instead, he breathed, his spasming body cocooned by metal as it went into cardiac arrest. Without the arc reactor, his heart was too damaged to function. 

 

He was strangely at peace despite the gnawing pain, because at least the end was near. At least it was almost over.

 

Rogers gathered Barnes up and went to leave, casting a look back at Tony. Tony wasn’t imagining the hatred there.

 

He wanted to say something spiteful, to lash out one more time and make Rogers feel just a fraction of his pain, but he couldn't summon up the energy. “Tell Pepper,” he croaked instead, just loud enough to be heard. It was more important than their fight that Rogers got his message. “Tell Pepper I love her... and I’m sorry.”

 

Rogers looked at him like it was the first time, finally noting the darkness of the reactor. “Tony?” he breathed in horror. “ _ No… _ ”

 

“Promise me you’ll tell her,” he said, fading fast. “ _ Promise me. _ ”

 

“There has to be something-”

 

“I promise,” Barnes said, cutting Rogers off. His voice was hoarse, sad. Tony didn’t blame him anymore. “I’ll tell her, Stark.”

 

Tony closed his eyes, a small smile on bloody lips. “Thank you,” he said honestly. “Now, I get to see  _ mammina  _ again.”

 

_ I know how Yinsen felt, now,  _ he thought sadly, memories flashing behind his eyelids, memories of a happier time.  _ I’ll see him, too.  _

 

Tony breathed his last lungful of cold air with a single tear running down his face and a soft smile. 

 

_ He finally got to rest. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first- anyone who blames tony for his reaction should reevalutate their empathy. he wasnt right to do it, because violence isnt the solution, but it was understandable. i cant tell yall how many "oh so you think buckys the villain?"s ive gotten because i say that. bucky was the gun, but that doesnt make tony less of a victim. i can say with certainty that if someone killed my parents, id have a far worse reaction, brainwashed or not. add to that the rawness of the situation, and how could anyone expect tony to react logically? td;dr- bucky isnt the villain but tony isnt either
> 
> next- i think that in the movie, having steve go for tonys arc reactor was one of the worst things they did. it had been a symbol of tonys life and character arc and destroying it so callously was something that ruined steve for me (apart from the whole "lie to your friend about his parents murder because hey! you like your other friend more)
> 
> anyway! chapter 2 is going to be steves pov
> 
> tell me what you thought!!


	2. the lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no impulse control so im posting this today! i was going to wait until like,,, tomorrow but i already wrote it so why not?

Steve watched in mute horror as Zemo played the video of the Starks’ assassination. The dawning realization on Tony’s face was like a knife to the heart.

 

“Did you know?” Tony asked, soft and hard at the same time. His masks were up, shuttering his face more than Steve had seen since they had become friends. 

 

“I didn’t know it was him,” Steve said lamely. 

 

“Don’t bullshit me, Rogers,” Tony’s voice was all iron, harsher than Steve had heard it in years (at least, directed towards him). “ _ Did you know _ ?”

 

There was nowhere to hide, nowhere to run. “Yes,” he admitted finally. He injected confidence in his voice, trying to stand by his decision. Tony would have hurt Bucky, if he’d known. Steve did the  _ right thing _ .

 

Tony’s punch proved him right. On instinct, Steve hit back. Tony’s faceplate was up, hiding his emotions. He didn’t look human, right then, but like a demon come to drag Bucky to hell. Steve couldn’t let that happen.

 

So he fought back. 

 

He swung his shield, trying to put Tony down. He needed to take Bucky and get out. Tony would feel so bad, later, if he actually managed to kill Bucky. It was a good thing, then, that the Iron Man suit wasn’t a match for two Super Soldiers. Tony was powerful, no doubt, but Steve was  _ Captain America _ . With Bucky back in his rightful place at his six, there was nothing he couldn't do. 

 

Tony got a lucky hit in, sending Steve sprawling. Luckily, Bucky was there to step in. He pinned Tony and started to try to pull out the reactor. Steve wanted to tell him to stop, but he was trying to suck air into his lungs. Tony wasn’t going easy on him. 

 

The unibeam blasted Bucky across the bunker. The howl he let out when his arm was torn clean off would haunt Steve’s nightmares. Tony slumped against the wall for a moment, panting, before Steve was on him again.

 

Now, he was angry. How could Tony do that? He could’ve killed Bucky, for god’s sake! Evidence was stacking up, showing exactly why Steve hadn’t told him before. If he had told Tony, the man would have just hopped into one of his armors and killed his friend before Steve could even react. He was distracted with his thoughts, enough so that Tony was able to get him down again.

 

“Last warning, Rogers,” said Tony. His voice was inhuman, modulated to the point where even Steve’s enhanced hearing couldn’t find a hint of sympathy. He sounded like a robot. “Stay down.”

 

Steve levered himself up, trying to keep the pain off of his face. “I could do this all day.”

 

He launched himself at Tony again, rage blinding him, making him slow, making his attacks messy. Tony, as unemotional and detached as ever, batted him away easily. Luckily, Steve had Bucky on his side. 

 

Bucky lunged when Steve fell, falling into an almost blurrily fast battle with Tony. Both men were clearly out for blood.

 

“Do you even remember her?” Tony asked, shooting Bucky.

 

Bucky looked up from where he had fallen on his knees. “I remember all of them,” he growled, flying forward again. Steve got up, got the shield in hand, and hit. Hard.

 

Tony went down, unable to defend against both of them. He and Bucky took turns with the shield, passing it back and forth with a grace that Steve had missed in all their years apart. Tony put up a good fight, managing to hit Bucky again, but Steve wasn’t so easily deterred. 

 

“I’m sorry, Tony,” Steve said, blocking yet another hit. “But he’s my friend.”

 

“So was I,” Tony gasped. Steve wanted to shake his head. Tony was his friend, yeah, but Bucky was his  _ brother _ . There was nothing and no one he wouldn’t go through to keep the last piece of his past safe, Tony included. 

With an impressive show of strength, he managed to get Tony on his back, straddling his waist to stop him from moving. Steve punched him, once, twice, until the metal faceplate snapped off.

 

Tony didn’t look sorry, and that, more than anything, incensed Steve (he didn’t notice the fear, the anger, the  _ resignation _ . Just the lack of remorse). 

 

He raised his shield high, and before Tony could shoot the repulsors aimed at his fame, he plunged it down. At the last second, he corrected its course from Tony’s neck to his arc reactor. He wasn’t used to fighting nonlethally, after all (besides, he didn’t want to see Howard’s face all blood splattered again). 

 

The fight went out of Tony as fast as the power did from his suit. Steve pushed himself up and away, practically running to Bucky’s side to help him. He ignored the blood on the shield he pulled out of Tony’s chest, ignored the pained gasp from Tony. He had to get to Bucky. 

 

Bucky was already standing, heavily supporting himself on the wall. The gap where his arm was missing made Steve’s stomach turn. Bucky accepted his help silently, wrapping his remaining arm around Steve’s shoulders. 

 

Steve cast one last look back at Tony. The man, dramatic to a fault, still hadn’t moved. There was blood on his face, some bruises, but he didn’t look too badly injured. There was no reason he shouldn't have gotten up and apologized. 

 

The man wet his lips, already bloodied. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. The spite in his gaze went away as soon as it came, replaced by something heavy.

 

“Tell Pepper,” he rasped. “Tell Pepper I love her… and I’m sorry.”

 

_ Tell her yourself _ was on the tip of Steve’s tongue, acidic as anything, until he looked at Tony.  _ Really  _ looked.

 

The light of the arc reactor was out.

 

_ “This thing keeps me alive,” Tony said, tapping his chest and grinning ruefully. “If it ever goes out, you have maybe five minutes tops to get another one in. The code I just gave you will open up the safes that hold my spares.” _

 

_ “Why are you telling me this?” Steve asked, voice a little hoarse. _

 

_ “I trust you,” Tony said simply. “That’s why. There are three people in the world I trust with my heart, you’re one of them. You won’t thank me for it, probably. Ask Pep what I made her do sometime. But for better or worse, Cap, I trust you.” _

 

_ Steve swallowed. “I won’t let you down,” he swore.  _

 

_ Tony smiled, something rare and real. “I know.” _

 

The memory hit Steve like a tank, sending him stumbling. Tony didn’t seem to notice.

 

“Tony,” he breathed, trying to think. “ _ No _ …”

 

“Promise me you’ll tell her,” Tony said. His eyes, so unlike Howard’s, were piercing. Absently, Steve wondered if they were Maria’s. His gaze was pained, almost empty but for a small spark. “ _ Promise me. _ ”

 

Steve’s mind was whirling, thinking of codes and spare reactors and shrapnel. “There has to be something-”

 

Bucky cut him off. “I promise,” he said softly. “I’ll tell her, Stark.”

 

He sounded regretful. Stubbornly, Steve thought that he had nothing to regret.  _ Bucky  _ didn’t attack Tony, after all. Really, Tony had done this to himself. Steve had done what he had to.

 

“Thank you,” Tony closed those sad eyes. His breathing was labored, now. More blood bubbled out of his open mouth. “Now, I get to see  _ mammina  _ again.”

 

Steve flinched. Petty to the end, Tony was, reminding them of Maria Stark’s murder. Steve was filled with conflicting feelings, but he shoved the regret away. He had done the right thing.

 

It was harder to convince himself of that when Tony stopped breathing. 

 

Steve did it anyway, repeating it over and over in his mind until it was the undeniable truth.

  
_ He had done the right thing _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i see steve and bucky as almost unhealthily codependent. i have a best friend, i have a sister id do anything for, but im my own person separate of them. they arent my identity, and i kind of feel like steve needs bucky to a toxic degree
> 
> also i think steves delusional but thats a separate issue
> 
> your comments mean the world to me!


End file.
